Disclaimer: 5 bees were killed prior to the writing of this post.
Fitness isn’t all about having abs and being able to lift heavy shit off the ground. No. Fitness also includes mental fitness, the ability to think on your toes. The ability to adapt. It includes agility, the ability to gracefully propel yourself out of undesirable situations. It also includes the ability to view challenges as opportunities rather than obstacles, which ultimately leads to personal growth.
Today, all of those things came in handy for me.
I woke up extra early today so I could be extra productive and finish all the things I’d been
freaking out over calmly thinking about the past couple days. I sat at the computer and got down to business, when not long after I heard a buzzing beside me. I did what most girls do when they discover an arthropod intruder in their apartment and jumped when I noticed a bee hovering right beside me. I attempted to take the kind, “love all beings” approach by shooing him out the window, but when I pushed the blinds to the side I saw two more bees. And they did not look happy to see me.
Panic set in and the “love all beings” feeling disappeared. One bee on its own isn’t that intimidating. But when he’s got two comrades to make a dive on me while I try to make my kill, he becomes a bit more scary. I stepped away from the window to make my plan of attack, when I noticed a FOURTH bee on the other side of the window. What the fuck?!
Desperate times called for desperate measures. I knew this wasn’t one of those “swat & kill” situations. I needed more tactics. I grabbed an old magazine and my bottle of hairspray and went for it. I furiously started spraying the bee closest to me with hairspray hoping his wings would get too sticky to be able to fly. I thought I had it under control until one of his allies flew closer to me. I screamed and backed away, and my first target managed to reach higher ground. After I collected myself I moved back in and continued spraying like my life depended on it. But the bees dodged my attack and I ended up covered in cheap hairspray. I needed something else.
I looked under my kitchen sink and my options were pretty dismal. Greenworks All-Purpose Cleaner and Window Cleaner, or Scrubbing Bubbles bathroom cleaner. I was almost out of the All-Purpose and I didn’t want to be covered in hairspray AND bathroom cleaner, so the Window Cleaner won. This actually turned out to be a pretty good choice. The spray nozzle was able to clear a good distance so I didn’t have to get too close to my targets. I sprayed and sprayed until they got too wet to fly, hit ’em with a spritz of hairspray when they fell, and then smacked them with my magazine. Within a few minutes my four nemeses were dead. Satisfaction.
Until I noticed a fifth. This was like a god damn horror movie or something. I felt like he could smell his dead friends and was coming for revenge. I channeled my inner murderer and all the frustration I had towards those other bees for taking me away from my work and went right for him. After almost falling twice while hopping on the edge of a chair and then onto the cat’s scratching post, I had claimed another victim.
Adrenaline was coursing through my veins. My heart was pounding as I stood in the middle of the living room, covered in hairspray with Window Cleaner dripping from the blinds and ceiling. I no longer cared that I had wasted 45 minutes of my morning attacking bees and not writing programs. I felt great! There was something strangely satisfying about taking the lives of 5 living things, regardless of how small they were. I felt like I did after I ate moose for the first time. After years of being tortured by the image of a stuffed moose I saw when I was 3 years old, I ate one of his distant relatives. I’ve only been stung by a bee once, but it was a cheap shot on his part because I stepped on him. I had no chance of getting away.
This is payback, motherfucker.
Needless to say, there was no pre-workout drink needed today. I left my victims where they fell (and then forgot to pick them up later – sorry Jordan) and hopped to my gym downstairs. My workout which included 175 push-ups and seemed terrifying when I woke up was suddenly exciting. And I did them all! See? Opportunity for growth. Not obstacles. If you’re ever faced with a daunting task, go kill 5 things. You’ll feel like a beast and tackle it no problem. But maybe refrain from killing things like birds, puppies, or babies. Especially babies. That might be frowned upon.
On a lighter note, after lowering my body to the ground and raising it 175 times plus subjecting it to other activities that some may view as cruel and unusual punishment, I was kind of starving but also kind of felt like I was going to throw up. I needed something quick and easily digestible, but a smoothie just seemed like too much work. That’s where these guys come in!
These tasty little morsels are a perfect post-workout treat when you either A) don’t have time for a full meal yet (gotta make that anabolic window, bro) or B) are in the same boat I was in and feeling like your stomach is in your throat. They also make a good “anytime” snack as well 🙂
There are countless recipes for energy balls and there is no real right or wrong way to make them, but after re-creating enough recipes I felt confident in my ability to throw my own combination of seeds and nut butters in a bowl and roll them into balls. So this is MY way!
- 3/4 cup rolled oats
- 2 tbsp chia seeds
- 2 tbsp hemp hearts
- 2 tbsp raisins
- 2 tbsp cacao nibs
- 1 tbsp dark chocolate chips
- 2 tbsp natural peanut butter
- 3 tbsp almond butter
- 2 tbsp honey
1. Ready for this? Place all ingredients in a bowl. Mix well. Roll into 20 balls. BAM. Done.
Nutritional Info (for 1 ball)
So readers, ever been attacked by bees? Ever savagely taken the life of another being and felt surprisingly great about it? (I feel like I’m opening up some scary doors here). Do you like eating things rolled into balls?